A Few Moments With God and Uri Gellar

I had a few free minutes, so I loaded the King James Bible onto a Word document and did a word search for “pervert”. This was my first hit:

It is not for kings, O Lemuel, it is not for kings to drink wine;
nor for princes strong drink: 31:5 Lest they drink, and forget the
law, and pervert the judgment of any of the afflicted.
(someone, probably Douchemouth 31:4)

It goes on to say:

31:6 Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto
those that be of heavy hearts.

31:7 Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no
more.

Poverty? This reminded me of “The Beatitudes”, so I looked up the part where Jesus preaches from a pitchers’ mound or something:

And he lifted up his eyes on his disciples, and said, Blessed be
ye poor: for yours is the kingdom of God.
(Luke, 6:20)

Never mind that drunks get their own kingdom, only to find out that wine is not for them (what a trick!) – let’s focus on my last paycheck. Then again, let’s not.

Anyways, I wordsearched for “crap”, “rubbish”, “con-man”, “self-flattery”, “cockface”, “closet sadist”, “Uri Gellar”, and “butthole lord” in vain, and then loaded Beyond Good and Evil, but had similar results, though I did try “foam”, “fluffing”, and “reefer madness”. This made me wish for a Microsoft Word “sortes” function. How does “sortes” work?

When people wish to divest themselves of all responsibility or effort for an important decision, they sometimes have recourse to sortes biblicae, wherein they open the bible at a random page, stab blindly at a passage, and interpret the results according to whatever they wish it to mean. This extends to sortes shakespeareae, sortes homerae, or even sortes curious-georgeae if monkeys do it for you.

I’ll demonstrate: Let’s say I can’t decide if I should be a democrat or a republican next month. I take up my copy of Amores Perros, place my finger on a random passage, and read: “I’d prefer it if you gave me some money-woney”. (translation mine). This means I want to be a republican, because republicans are good at giving money to people who already have it. Or, it means I should be a democrat, because they like to give money to deadbeats.

(As always, the featured photos have nothing to do with the text)