Eli's Weblog ≡x≡

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Big News! Emily Yoffe is a Purveyor of Idiocies!

Two good pieces of news for me this week:
Coffee can help ‘stave off’ type 2 diabetes (my least favorite type); and young-looking people like me and Di Caprio will live longer than you!

Ever thought that watching sports might be wasteful? I gave up watching football (soccer) after the last World Cup because I realized my mind’s limited resources could be put to better use than memorizing the stats of every player in the Premiership. And now, a Yank has come forward and described his easy abandonment of U.S. Baseball:

“My complaint with sports doesn't hinge on the inflexible hours. There's also the issue of return on my investment. The games are relentless, the experience of them too often ephemeral.”

Nowhere does he mention the deleterious effects of cheating (U.S. translation: “doping”) on viewer loyalty; this is the very reason I went from being a Sumo fanatic to Sumo hater overnight.

Sure, many must get a kick out of supporting their own country/island/city/shantytown team, though it seems silly since the best mercenaries – I mean athletes - are often imported from elsewhere. Yes, yes, your country/island/city/shantytown is #1. Applying a wee bit of logic, however, we see that if everyone believes their team is the best, then somewhere around 99.99% of them are dead wrong, and that’s only in a given season. (This logic may and should be freely extended to patriotism, theism, and your goddamned mother’s home-cooking).

In other non-news, Tiger Woods had sex. With women. Well stick my dick in a blender, I never would have guessed. Mega-celebrities offer us valuable insight as to exactly what happens to human nature when you throw tons of cash and affirmation at it. That little boy who used to be in The Jackson Five is a spectacular example; Divas provide further evidence.

Anyways, it turns out that when Tiger doesn’t play, worldwide interest in golf drops by half. HALF. And when people don’t tune in to golf or check out Golf Doofus Digest, some very useful people lose money.

Speaking over over-hyped vacuums-of-usefulness, here is a fine article describing the 3 things one experiences when smelling (P?) Diddy’s new “Unforgiveable Woman” perfume.

(Who knew people were still raw about Maggie Thatcher?)

On a personal level, I find it difficult to read Slate anymore, following a series of reports on Prague by “Prudie”, A.K.A. Emily Yoffe, who normally counsels yuppies considering incest, but who took some weeks off to come to my city and with every word describe the exact opposite of its character. I would place the link here, but to do so would have the quality of passing on to you, say, tapeworms, or gastroenteritis. So I won’t do that.

Furthermore, I may have to give up using the Google News Aggregator, as all this fluff about horny golfers and octmoms is taking up the space where news should be. *sigh*. Back to The Guardian, I guess…


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